We previously shared an article called How to Deal with Batsh*t Crazy Buyers - and we have gotten a large response from this article because absolutely psychotic buyers are something every online seller deals with at some point. So today I wanted to share with you 20 Fast Replies for Insane Buyers (you know, the people who are exceptionally difficult, but not quite insane psychos)...

Yesterday I shared with you 20 ways to respond to Rude Buyers. A rude buyer is outright “mean” but not necessarily psychotic, so if the person you are dealing with is just a jerk, but NOT a Level 10 Crazy, then you can likely find your copy-and-paste solution in the Rude Buyer Responses blog post. However, if you are dealing with a total nut job, utterly insane buyer who needs therapy more than a reply from an online seller, keep reading! 

SIGNS OF A PSYCHO BUYER:

Utterly nuts buyers usually start off the conversation using “gotcha phrases” like:

• I’m going to file a complaint with the BBB!
• I WILL be leaving bad feedback on EVERY SITE I can find!
• I’m going to file a police report!
• I WILL PUT YOU OUT OF BUSINESS!!!!
• I contacted a lawyer to SUE YOU
• I’m going to make sure NOBODY every buys anything from you EVER AGAIN!
• I WILL DESTROY YOU!
• I guarantee you will be out of business in 50 days!

… yeah, it’s just psycho stuff…. Over nothing. We once had a dude threaten almost every single one of these things because he placed a massive order and 3 of his parcels arrived on Monday, 5 arrived Tuesday, 1 arrived Wednesday… and this made him totally furious because he was still missing 6 parcels. We tried, in vain, to show him the tracking numbers and explain that the remaining 8 parcels were scheduled to arrive Thursday, Fri and the final one on Saturday but he REFUSED to hear any of it. Instead he demanded a refund, RIGHT NOW. When we said we have to wait for the merch to arrive he became even more furious. The harder we tried to explain the parcels WERE in transit and his local post office was the issue, the less he listened and the more difficult it became to deal with him.

Fst forward: After he made 2 of my employees cry and threatened physical violence, we ultimately ended up refunding this dude a lot of money and blocked him as a buyer just to end the relationship…. Within 72 hours all of his stuff arrived and, believe it or not, this psychopath even tried to buy again the following week, then threw a tantrum that he was banned.

So, here’s the Top Replies you can use when a total crazie throws their tantrum:

TIP 1: Reply to the first insane question quickly. If you want you can even reply to the second insulting comment quickly, but AFTER THAT, SPACE OUT THE REPLIES… wait 12 - 24 hours to respond. The reason for this is because MOST ISSUES RESOLVE THEMSELVES and you are actually extinguishing the fire by delaying the reply.

TIP 2: Once the nut-job buyer realizes that sending you a message does not result in “live chat” style instant replies, they will stop (or at least slow down). This will help cut back the level of stress you feel, meanwhile you can hope the issue resolves itself within that 12-24 hour response-time. Keep in mind that most of these insane people WANT to keep the argument going, so when the see that you only respond 1-2x per day, it makes them instead attack someone else who will fall into the trap.

TIP 3: ONLY use these replies AFTER the first response. FACT: MOST PSYCHOS NEVER READ YOUR REPLY PAST THE FIRST LINE!!!! So, if you are spending 30 minutes typing a well-written, genuinely thoughtful reply, it’s worthless. They only skim the first line then click “REPLY” and rip you a new one.

TIP 4:  DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS unless you absolutely must.  The more questions you ask, the more you fuel the fire.  Instead of asking "What time was the parcel delivered?", take a moment and look at the tracking number to see.  Instead of saying, "Other than the fit, what else are you mad about", just chalk it up to the buyer doesn't want the item then move forward based on the fact that they aren't happy.  

TIP 5:  YES, these replies sound obnoxious... but you are dealing with an irrational person, so if you TRULY WANT TO EXTINGUISH THE FIRE you have to get out your water hose that is filled with "understanding" and start spraying. 

RESPONSES:

1. Repeat business is very important to me. I want you to be a happy buyer.

2. Thank you for your suggestions!

3. I will consider that for the future!

4. Thank you so much for the advice!

5. Oh my goodness, I appreciate you bringing this to my attention.

6. I understand this is a frustrating issue. I look forward to resolving it!

7. I am so sorry that this inconvenienced you.

8. I will immediately provide these suggestions to my web designer / tech support / the mail carrier / my employees and hopefully they can find a fix quickly so this does not occur again!

9. It sounds like you have had an awful week and I apologize that this issue made it even worse. Your business means the world to me and I appreciate you taking the time to tell me all about it.

10. When people like you bring issues like this to my attention it allows me to learn from my mistakes. Thanks a mill!

11. I will do everything within my power to ensure that this does not happen again.

12. I am so sorry you have to deal with this.

13. I truly understand your frustration and the inconvenience you are dealing with and I apologize for this.

14. Wow! That does sound like a terrible experience. I want to assure you that it is my goal to provide the best merchandise / service / shipping possible.

15. I wish you didn’t have to suffer through this. I will do whatever I can to make sure this doesn’t occur again. 

16.  Oh jeez, that's not fun at all!  I see why you are angry!  Let me see what I can do to make you a happy buyer  :) 

17. Eeek!  I just went through the same thing last weekend with an item I bought of etsy.com.  I totally get how frustrating this is.  

18.  Hmmmmm.... that is so strange!  Please give me only 1 day to look into this more.  Let me see what intel I can obtain for you.  Hang tight while I do some digging for you!  :) 

19.  Please don't allow this issue to ruin your weekend.  Let me see how I can make it better for you  :) 

20.  Oh my!  I wish you didn't have to suffer through this!  Unfortunately I cannot change what has already happened but I am going to see what I can do to fix this for ya!  Give me a day or two to see what I can get done to make you a happy buyer  :) 

LOVE THIS BLOG POST?  Next Read:  How to Deal with Batsh*t Crazy Buyers - trust us, it's worth your time!